Have you been looking to get better at recognizing red flags in a relationship? If so, you’re in the right place.
Today, we’re going to be discussing red flags for all types of relationships because it’s not only romantic relationships that can be toxic.
Let’s dive in and discuss these traits to watch out for.
They’re controlling.
If someone else is in control of your life, it’s going to make it very difficult to be happy. Some things a person may try to control are:
- Who you spend time with or talk to
- Where you go
- Your career path or major in college
- What you do with your free time
When you find this happening, it’s important to think about what you want in life. Are your desires in line with your actions? If not, it may be time for a change.
They’re emotionally manipulative.
Consistently feeling guilty is a huge red flag in a relationship. Even in healthy relationships, you may feel guilt on occasion. However, it is not a consistent feeling that comes up when you think about a healthy relationship.
This guilt isn’t coming from nowhere. It is what the manipulative person is using to keep you “in line”, so to speak. If they can make you feel guilty, then they have more leverage to manipulate you into doing what they want.
They seem unable to control their anger.
Many toxic or abusive people are, in fact, able to control their anger. You can see this by the fact that they do not act this way around everyone they meet every time they are angry. This would suggest that an abusive person chooses to take their anger out on the person they’re abusing.
Even if you truly believe that someone is unable to control their anger and that they are trying their best, you are under no obligation to stay in that relationship, whether it is romantic, platonic, or familial. You are not required to wait around for them to change.
They may change.
They may not.
You are not responsible for their feelings. They may try to guilt you into continuing contact that you do not want. I want you to know that there are always options.
They blame you for things that aren’t your fault.
Blaming you for things that aren’t your fault is a definite red flag in a relationship. This is generally used to make you feel bad about yourself and not trust your decisions.
It can be challenging to trust your decisions if something is always said to be your fault after you make a decision.
For example, if you make a decision to take your child to the playground and they fall and get hurt, you may get blamed for that since it was your decision to take your kid to the playground in the first place. Then, you start to question if you made a bad decision.
This can result in you not trusting yourself to make future decisions, which can make you feel dependent on the other person. In a toxic or abusive relationship, they will want you to feel dependent on them. It will give them more control.
Their apologies are not sincere.
This can look a few different ways. One way it may look is them saying something along the lines of, “I’m sorry, but…”
They may also say something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way” in response to you bringing up a concern about their behavior.
Or, they may use the apology to guilt you by saying, “I’m sorry I am such a horrible person.”
None of these are real apologies. They may legitimately believe they are real apologies, but they don’t contain the components of a real apology.
So, then what are the components of a real apology?
- Take responsibility for your actions – Tell the person you hurt that you are sorry.
- Make it clear what you’re apologizing for – Tell them specifically what you are sorry for, such as making a rude comment at dinner.
- Focus on how you hurt the other person, not your intention – Even if you didn’t intend to hurt them, you should not make statements like “Well, you know I didn’t mean anything by that comment.” Instead, focus on their feelings and perspective, saying something like “I understand why my comment at dinner was hurtful. I shouldn’t have said it.”
- State how you plan to act differently in the future – This is where you state your intent to change to avoid hurting them in the same way in the future. For example, “I won’t comment negatively on your body in the future.”
- In many cases, ask for forgiveness – You don’t want to demand forgiveness, but it is okay to kindly let the person know that you’re open to receiving it when and if they are ready to give it. Understand that they are not required to forgive you.
If these components are not present in the apologies you receive, they are likely not very sincere. While everyone makes mistakes with apologizing once in a while, if it is consistently happening, that is one of the major red flags in a relationship,
They gaslight you.
In other words, they try to make you question your reality. They may say things such as, “I never said that.” even if they did say exactly that. Or they may also say, “You’re just being so overdramatic.” which can lead you to question the severity of the situation.
Many of the above topics are also more specific examples of gaslighting. Sometimes people just want to have control over you, but it is not okay if you are being treated this way.
So, what can you do?
I feel as though the decision of what to do if you find yourself in any kind of relationship that is toxic is a very personal decision. You are the one who will ultimately have to live with the results.
However, if you have a desire to leave such a relationship, there are resources that can support you. Reach out to your local domestic violence shelter if the relationship is becoming abusive and is romantic in nature. If you are in the United States, you can find a very useful resource here with a hotline you can call, text, or chat with online.
I would highly recommend speaking with someone outside the situation. By this, I mean someone who doesn’t know the other person so it is way less likely that it would get back to them.
Make sure you are taking care of yourself and that you are safe, okay?
Final thoughts
It is not your fault if someone is treating you badly, but there are things you can do to help prevent it from happening in future relationships.
Mostly, this looks like setting strong boundaries from the beginning of a relationship (any kind of relationship) so that you know up front that they are more likely to be respectful of your boundaries.
If you are interested in doing some further work on this, learning how to set boundaries is one thing we can cover in private, 1:1 self-care coaching. Please feel free to reach out to me at danna@musingsbydanna.com with any questions about this program.
Until next time,
Danna