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Disqualifying the Positive: The Thinking Errors Series Part 3

Today, it’s time for the third part of The Thinking Errors Series. Wondering what a thinking error is? Check out part one, on all-or-nothing thinking, here. Today’s error is disqualifying the positive.

Disqualifying the positive

When people are disqualifying the positive, they are deciding that the positive parts of their experience don’t count for one reason or another, while the negative parts of the experience do count.

But why might people do this?

Your brain’s job is to protect you and part of the way it does that is by convincing you that you are correct. Unlearning a deeply held belief can be hard. In the short term, it’s more painful to unlearn this belief than it is to simply keep believing it, even if that belief is harmful to you.

This means that people such as yourself may be holding onto beliefs that don’t match up with your lived reality.

How to recognize disqualifying the positive

Are you trying to explain away something positive that happened, and justifying that with something negative that happened? Are you saying “Yes, but…”

Here are some examples:

Barry said he likes my painting, but Denise said it’s not her thing, so it must be a terrible painting.
The progress I have made toward my business income goal doesn’t count because I fell $1500 short of my sales goal this year.
I just got lucky and that’s the only reason I passed that test.
I only got the job because the person they wanted to hire accepted another offer.

Ways to overcome disqualifying the positive

The most important thing about learning about cognitive distortions is to learn how to challenge them.

Learn to take a compliment

It’s definitely a skill to be able to take a compliment in stride, but think about how awkward it feels on the other end when you give a compliment and the other person says it’s not true.

Practice saying, “Thank you.” when you receive a compliment, not, “Thank you, but…” Just, “Thank you.”

It feels strange at first to just accept a compliment without trying to deny it, but over time, it will become more natural.

Remember the positives

Instead of only remembering the negatives in the situation, try to bring your attention to the positives. Like in example one above, Barry still liked your painting, even if Denise didn’t.

It’s okay to recognize that there are positives while still acknowledging the negatives.

Remove “Yes, but…” from your vocabulary

No, seriously. Do your best to remove this phrase from your vocabulary. If you even catch yourself thinking this way, evaluate if you are disqualifying the positive.

If you catch this kind of thinking, tell yourself that the positive part of your experience is still valid. It still counts, even if the negative part happened too.

I hope you enjoyed the third installment of The Thinking Errors Series. As always, please leave a comment down below or share a link social media if you did. You can also contact me here.

Until next time,

Danna

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Mental Filtering: The Thinking Errors Series Part 2

This is the second installment of a 10-part series on thinking errors. Today’s error is mental filtering.

What are thinking errors?

Thinking errors happens when your thoughts are not aligned with the reality of the situation.

You can read more on thinking errors here, in my previous post in the series.

Mental filtering

Mental filtering is a common struggle. It is especially common among people with mental health conditions.

Essentially, mental filtering is focusing exclusively on the negative. You may pick out one or more negative details and decide these are more important than everything else.

How to recognize mental filtering

Mental filtering can be tricky to recognize because it feels true. The negative detail you are focused on feels important to you. Here are some examples to help you think about it:

“I have a unibrow, so everyone is going to think I am ugly.”
“One of my students didn’t like my lecture, so I must be terrible at teaching.”
“I said the word ‘um’ twice during my speech which mean I am awful at public speaking.”
“I didn’t get tickets to the concert in time. My month is ruined!”

Ways to overcome mental filtering

These kinds of thoughts can be incredibly harmful.

Let’s learn how to challenge them.

Examine the evidence

When you realize you are viewing something as all bad, examine the evidence. Is it really 100% bad, or is there anything good mixed in there as well?

You may even find that there is more good than there is bad, but that you were focused on only the bad.

Is your entire day really bad because one bad thing happened? What about all the good things that also happened? It’s important to try to have a balanced view of your day.

That isn’t to say you can’t be upset about the bad things, but you should do your best to recognize that the bad things aren’t the only things.

Write it down

If you are struggling to think of positives, write down what happened during the time period you are viewing as bad blow-by-blow. Write down events that seem small even, and list them chronologically.

Go back through your list. Can you see anything good that happened? If not, try breaking it down into smaller chunks so you can focus more on the details.

If we take example 2 about one student not liking a teacher’s lecture, we may end up writing things down like other students asking good questions or a student telling us they enjoyed what they learned.

Ask a friend

Friends can be invaluable sounding boards, if you have the right ones. If you have friends who will be honest with you, consider asking them if it’s okay to talk about your day to figure out if you are picking out the negative too strongly.

Then, walk through your day, the same way you would if you were writing it down. The advantage to this one is that it is interactive. You may receive questions that make you think and you should gain a second opinion on whether you are mental filtering or not.

I hope you enjoyed the second installment of The Thinking Errors Series. As always, please leave a comment down below if you did. You can also contact me here.

Until next time,

Danna

Don't forget to subscribe to our email list for weekly updates from Musings by Danna, plus 17 free journal prompts for mental health!

All-or-Nothing Thinking: The Thinking Errors Series Part 1

Today begins a 10-part series on thinking errors. The first one is all-or-nothing thinking.

What are thinking errors?

Thinking errors occur when your thoughts do not match up with the reality of what is happening. They have a tendency to be self-defeating.

They can be hard to recognize due to the fact that they feel true to you.

Another name you may have heard for thinking errors is cognitive distortions. Both terms will be used on this site.

All-or-nothing thinking

The thinking error I will be discussing today is all-or-nothing thinking. It is sometime also referred to as black-or-white thinking.

This thinking error can have a serious impact on how you view yourself, other people, and the world around you.

If you have a tendency to think things or people are all good or all bad, that is an example of all-or-nothing thinking.

How to recognize all-or-nothing thinking

All-or-nothing thoughts have a tendency to contain certain words. Some of these words include always, never, nothing, or everything. These words are absolute and leave no room for a gray area.

The following are some examples:

“I always fail at my job.”
“I’ll never be good enough to join the team.”
“Nothing ever goes my way.”
“Everything is awful.”

Ways to overcome all-or-nothing thinking

Can you see how those kinds of thoughts could be harmful?

Let’s learn how to challenge these thoughts in order to have a healthier mindset.

Give yourself leeway

This works well especially when your all-or-nothing thinking is caused by not being perfect in some way. Maybe you didn’t complete all your daily habits. Or maybe, you didn’t get that promotion you were going for.

It’s okay to not be perfect. Falling off your habits for a few days doesn’t negate the progress you have made with them or say anything about your future progress.

Not getting the promotion doesn’t mean you are a failure or a bad interviewee. It doesn’t mean you’ll never get a promotion. It only speaks to that current moment in time.

Shades of gray

Consider the thought you are having. Are there more than two options? Is there anything in between the worst and the best?

This is most likely where reality is.

It is highly unlikely that you really hate everything about that person. Maybe there are a few traits they have that you like, or you agree on a couple things.

It’s not always as black or white as it seems.

Facts vs. Assumptions

Another thing to think about is whether you are making any assumptions. I recently heard someone say something along the lines of “Could you take this thought to court?”

Essentially, can your thought be proven to be factually accurate?

When you recognize one of these thoughts coming up, it would be wise to sit down and list out the facts. That means all of the facts, not just the ones that support your thought.

Recognize what assumptions you have made about the situation or person. See if you can come to a balanced thought based on the facts.

Practice self-compassion

In simpler terms, be kind to yourself.

Don’t tie your value to your performance, if you can help it. This allows for mistakes without ending up labeling yourself as bad.

Remind yourself that it is okay to make mistakes. It does not say anything about your worth as a person.

I hope you have enjoyed my first installment of The Thinking Errors Series. If you did, let me know in the comments below, or you can find my contact information here.

Until next time,

Danna

Don't forget to subscribe to our email list for weekly updates from Musings by Danna, plus 17 free journal prompts for mental health!

Meditation types and practices

Today, I will be walking you through different meditation types and practices. I am inviting you to join me in trying meditation for the next five days and I hope you will see the benefit.

What is meditation?

Meditation is difficult to define, due to the number of different meditation practices that exist. However, my general definition is that meditation involves maintaining a focus in order to reach a sense of calmness.

Just what are these different meditation practices though?

Types of meditation

There are a ton of versions of meditation out there, but today I want to focus on seven of them. They all meet my above definition of meditation, but they go about doing so in different ways.

Mindfulness meditation

Mindfulness is being aware and in the present moment without judgement. This version of meditation can be used to increase your overall mindfulness skills.

With mindfulness meditation, you will find a comfortable position and start noticing your thoughts. You don’t try to hold onto them or change them, but simply notice them as they are.

Spiritual/religious meditation

This practice differs depending upon the spiritual or religious affiliation of the person who is practicing it. However, it is commonly used in many religions.

A lot of people think of it as similar to their prayer practice.

Mantra meditation

In mantra meditation, you focus on a word, sound, or phrase. You will speak this word, sound, or phrase aloud to yourself. This is the type of meditation you see in media where people are repeating “Om.”

If you are not a fan of silence, this could be a great meditative practice for you.

Focused meditation

With focused meditation, you will want to stay focused on one thing. This could be your breath or an object. It could also be a thought or one of your senses.

Focused meditation is useful because it can be done anywhere. You can essentially do it without anyone around you knowing.

Movement meditation

If you have trouble sitting still, this may be the form of meditation for you. Movement meditation involves parts of mindfulness or focused meditation and combines them with things like walking or yoga.

So, you would either cultivate a state of mindfulness or focus on something like your breath, then add movement.

Guided meditation

Guided meditation is the one that I find the easiest. For this practice, you will use someone’s voice as your point of focus. Usually, this is done by finding recordings of guided meditations. However, it is also sometimes done in person in places like yoga studios.

Guided meditations can be found through various apps and can be searched through Youtube. My personal favorite app is Insight Timer.

Music/sound meditation

Music meditation involves using music or sounds to achieve meditation. You can find music or sounds specifically for this on the internet or through many apps. The point is to find calming music or sounds, usually without words, and bring your attention to it.

I also recommend searching Youtube and Insight Timer for music meditations.

Benefits of meditation

Meditation can benefit both your mental and physical health. According to Healthline.com, here are just a few of the benefits you may receive from a regular meditation practice:

reduction in stress and anxiety
reduction in blood pressure
lower levels of pain
improved sleep
longer attention span

Creating a meditation practice

Now it’s time to create a meditation practice that works for you. I have a few tips to help you:

Allow yourself to experiment with different kinds of meditation to see what feels the most helpful to you.
Pick a time of day when you will meditate. Schedule this time for yourself every day. It is most commonly done in the morning or evening, but it doesn’t have to be.
Don’t push yourself to meditate for too long to start with. Build up slowly.
Do your best not to judge yourself if your mind wanders away from your focus point. It’s normal and okay.

I hope you will try to build your own meditation practice! It really can reduce anxiety. As always, let me know if you have any questions in the comments down below or you can find my contact information here!

Until next time,

Danna

Don't forget to subscribe to our email list for weekly updates from Musings by Danna, plus 17 free journal prompts for mental health!

Seeing a therapist

Seeing a therapist sounds daunting at first. However, in time, it can prove to be not only helpful, but even life-saving. But how do you know if you need to see a therapist in the first place?

Is it time to consider seeing a therapist?

If you are asking yourself this question, there is a good chance you could benefit from therapy. Here are a few other questions you can ask yourself to help with this decision:

Am I struggling to control my emotions? – For example, are you getting angry, anxious, or sad to a higher level than the situation warrants?
On the flip side, am I repressing or bottling up too many emotions? – This can happen for many reasons, but it is a sign that you may be struggling to express your emotions in a healthy manner.
Am I crying more than I used to? – Getting overly teary can suggest that there is something you need to work through or process so that you can begin to let in more happiness.
Am I experiencing a major life change? – For example, are you grieving a death in the family? Have you recently moved away to college? Have you gotten divorced? Even getting married to someone you love may trigger significant stress.
Have others or myself noticed a change in my mood or behavior? – Are you acting or feeling different than you’re used to, whether noticed by yourself or others?
Am I struggling with self destructive tendencies? – If you are struggling with self harming behaviors, disordered eating, or suicidal ideation, it is definitely time to seek help. If you are currently experiencing suicidal ideation or another crisis, please go to this page for immediate resources. (Note: The resources on the page are US only.)

But now what?

So, you have determined you need to see a therapist. This is a great first step and I applaud you! But now what?

Where to find a therapist

The first step in the process is to find choices of therapists.

My recommendation is to use Psychology Today to find a local therapist. They have so many different ways you can narrow your search and you will be able to see if the therapist has been verified with Psychology Today. You can find someone who uses a certain modality, someone with the specialty/specialties you are looking for, you can search by gender, and so many other things!

On that note, you may also be more interested in telehealth. If this is the case, I think that BetterHelp is a good, relatively affordable service for that. They will walk you through a survey to find a therapist who is a good match for you. If you do not feel like that person is a good fit, you may switch to someone else. Most of this post will be geared toward in-person therapy, but feel free to ask questions in the comments or contact me!

Narrowing it down

Once you go to Psychology Today, you will find that there are likely a lot of option somewhere near you for seeing a therapist. It can feel overwhelming to think about choosing one, so I will walk you through some things that can help.

First, make sure you have selected “therapists” at the top of the page and then type in your ZIP code or city. If you think you would benefit from a support group or psychiatrist, go back and look through those options after.

The difference between a therapist and a psychiatrist is that a psychiatrist is a medical doctor who prescribes medication for psychiatric conditions whereas therapists use other methods of therapy. Most do talk therapy, but some do art, music, or other modalities. It is not abnormal to be seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist.

You can use the filters on the side of the page to narrow down your search based on whether you would like a male or female therapist, any mental health conditions you have been diagnosed with, and what treatment modalities you are interested in. You may also filter based on therapists that accept your health insurance.

Then, it is time to start reading some profiles to get a feel for them. This will give you an idea of the clients they tend to work with and if you like what they have to say. Scroll down some to see their prices and if they offer a sliding scale.

Your first time seeing a therapist

It’s almost time to start seeing a therapist. Pick your favorite from those you narrowed it down to, but don’t discard the rest of your list just yet.

You can email the therapist or call the number listed on Psychology Today to set up an appointment. Some therapists offer a free phone consultation to see if you would be a good fit. Don’t be afraid to ask if they offer this, and take advantage of it if they do.

When you have your first appointment or a free consultation, make sure you ask them to explain their treatment beliefs and modalities to you. It is okay to ask questions.

You can also expect that they will ask you a lot of questions. They may give you a questionnaire to fill out. They will likely ask why you have decided on seeing a therapist and a lot of background information on your life. If at any time, this makes you uncomfortable, you are allowed to say so and not answer the specific question. However, I would encourage you to be as forthcoming as you feel that you can be so that they have the most information to be able to help you.

After the appointment, evaluate how you feel about seeing this therapist. It is okay to see someone else on your list if you decide this person is not a good fit for you. You also do not have to make that decision after just one appointment if you still feel unsure.

Everything will be okay.

You have taken a wonderful first step if you are realizing you need to seek help. There is no shame in seeing a therapist.

Taking the step of seeking help is a strong thing to do.

And if you need to seek help, you can do it! I believe in you.

Until next time,

Danna