Today, it’s time for the third part of The Thinking Errors Series. Wondering what a thinking error is? Check out part one, on all-or-nothing thinking, here. Today’s error is disqualifying the positive.
Disqualifying the positive
When people are disqualifying the positive, they are deciding that the positive parts of their experience don’t count for one reason or another, while the negative parts of the experience do count.
But why might people do this?
Your brain’s job is to protect you and part of the way it does that is by convincing you that you are correct. Unlearning a deeply held belief can be hard. In the short term, it’s more painful to unlearn this belief than it is to simply keep believing it, even if that belief is harmful to you.
This means that people such as yourself may be holding onto beliefs that don’t match up with your lived reality.
How to recognize disqualifying the positive
Are you trying to explain away something positive that happened, and justifying that with something negative that happened? Are you saying “Yes, but…”
Here are some examples:
- Barry said he likes my painting, but Denise said it’s not her thing, so it must be a terrible painting.
- The progress I have made toward my business income goal doesn’t count because I fell $1500 short of my sales goal this year.
- I just got lucky and that’s the only reason I passed that test.
- I only got the job because the person they wanted to hire accepted another offer.
Ways to overcome disqualifying the positive
The most important thing about learning about cognitive distortions is to learn how to challenge them.
Learn to take a compliment
It’s definitely a skill to be able to take a compliment in stride, but think about how awkward it feels on the other end when you give a compliment and the other person says it’s not true.
Practice saying, “Thank you.” when you receive a compliment, not, “Thank you, but…” Just, “Thank you.”
It feels strange at first to just accept a compliment without trying to deny it, but over time, it will become more natural.
Remember the positives
Instead of only remembering the negatives in the situation, try to bring your attention to the positives. Like in example one above, Barry still liked your painting, even if Denise didn’t.
It’s okay to recognize that there are positives while still acknowledging the negatives.
Remove “Yes, but…” from your vocabulary
No, seriously. Do your best to remove this phrase from your vocabulary. If you even catch yourself thinking this way, evaluate if you are disqualifying the positive.
If you catch this kind of thinking, tell yourself that the positive part of your experience is still valid. It still counts, even if the negative part happened too.
I hope you enjoyed the third installment of The Thinking Errors Series. As always, please leave a comment down below or share a link social media if you did. You can also contact me here.
Until next time,
Danna
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