trauma Archives - Musings by Danna

Recognizing Red Flags in a Relationship

Have you been looking to get better at recognizing red flags in a relationship? If so, you’re in the right place.

Today, we’re going to be discussing red flags for all types of relationships because it’s not only romantic relationships that can be toxic.

Let’s dive in and discuss these traits to watch out for.

They’re controlling.

If someone else is in control of your life, it’s going to make it very difficult to be happy. Some things a person may try to control are:

Who you spend time with or talk to
Where you go
Your career path or major in college
What you do with your free time

When you find this happening, it’s important to think about what you want in life. Are your desires in line with your actions? If not, it may be time for a change.

They’re emotionally manipulative.

Consistently feeling guilty is a huge red flag in a relationship. Even in healthy relationships, you may feel guilt on occasion. However, it is not a consistent feeling that comes up when you think about a healthy relationship.

This guilt isn’t coming from nowhere. It is what the manipulative person is using to keep you “in line”, so to speak. If they can make you feel guilty, then they have more leverage to manipulate you into doing what they want.

They seem unable to control their anger.

Many toxic or abusive people are, in fact, able to control their anger. You can see this by the fact that they do not act this way around everyone they meet every time they are angry. This would suggest that an abusive person chooses to take their anger out on the person they’re abusing.

Even if you truly believe that someone is unable to control their anger and that they are trying their best, you are under no obligation to stay in that relationship, whether it is romantic, platonic, or familial. You are not required to wait around for them to change.

They may change.

They may not.

You are not responsible for their feelings. They may try to guilt you into continuing contact that you do not want. I want you to know that there are always options.

They blame you for things that aren’t your fault.

Blaming you for things that aren’t your fault is a definite red flag in a relationship. This is generally used to make you feel bad about yourself and not trust your decisions.

It can be challenging to trust your decisions if something is always said to be your fault after you make a decision.

For example, if you make a decision to take your child to the playground and they fall and get hurt, you may get blamed for that since it was your decision to take your kid to the playground in the first place. Then, you start to question if you made a bad decision.

This can result in you not trusting yourself to make future decisions, which can make you feel dependent on the other person. In a toxic or abusive relationship, they will want you to feel dependent on them. It will give them more control.

Their apologies are not sincere.

This can look a few different ways. One way it may look is them saying something along the lines of, “I’m sorry, but…”

They may also say something like, “I’m sorry you feel that way” in response to you bringing up a concern about their behavior.

Or, they may use the apology to guilt you by saying, “I’m sorry I am such a horrible person.”

None of these are real apologies. They may legitimately believe they are real apologies, but they don’t contain the components of a real apology.

So, then what are the components of a real apology?

Take responsibility for your actions – Tell the person you hurt that you are sorry.
Make it clear what you’re apologizing for – Tell them specifically what you are sorry for, such as making a rude comment at dinner.
Focus on how you hurt the other person, not your intention – Even if you didn’t intend to hurt them, you should not make statements like “Well, you know I didn’t mean anything by that comment.” Instead, focus on their feelings and perspective, saying something like “I understand why my comment at dinner was hurtful. I shouldn’t have said it.”
State how you plan to act differently in the future – This is where you state your intent to change to avoid hurting them in the same way in the future. For example, “I won’t comment negatively on your body in the future.”
In many cases, ask for forgiveness – You don’t want to demand forgiveness, but it is okay to kindly let the person know that you’re open to receiving it when and if they are ready to give it. Understand that they are not required to forgive you.

If these components are not present in the apologies you receive, they are likely not very sincere. While everyone makes mistakes with apologizing once in a while, if it is consistently happening, that is one of the major red flags in a relationship,

They gaslight you.

In other words, they try to make you question your reality. They may say things such as, “I never said that.” even if they did say exactly that. Or they may also say, “You’re just being so overdramatic.” which can lead you to question the severity of the situation.

Many of the above topics are also more specific examples of gaslighting. Sometimes people just want to have control over you, but it is not okay if you are being treated this way.

So, what can you do?

I feel as though the decision of what to do if you find yourself in any kind of relationship that is toxic is a very personal decision. You are the one who will ultimately have to live with the results.

However, if you have a desire to leave such a relationship, there are resources that can support you. Reach out to your local domestic violence shelter if the relationship is becoming abusive and is romantic in nature. If you are in the United States, you can find a very useful resource here with a hotline you can call, text, or chat with online.

I would highly recommend speaking with someone outside the situation. By this, I mean someone who doesn’t know the other person so it is way less likely that it would get back to them.

Make sure you are taking care of yourself and that you are safe, okay?

Final thoughts

It is not your fault if someone is treating you badly, but there are things you can do to help prevent it from happening in future relationships.

Mostly, this looks like setting strong boundaries from the beginning of a relationship (any kind of relationship) so that you know up front that they are more likely to be respectful of your boundaries.

If you are interested in doing some further work on this, learning how to set boundaries is one thing we can cover in private, 1:1 self-care coaching. Please feel free to reach out to me at danna@musingsbydanna.com with any questions about this program.

Until next time,

Danna

Labeling and Mislabeling: The Thinking Errors Series Part 9

Today, I will be discussing the thinking error of labeling and mislabeling. If you’re just joining me in this series, please check out its first installment. It’s on all-or-nothing thinking and it defines thinking errors. You can find it here.

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Labeling and mislabeling

In the thinking error of labeling and mislabeling, you assign negative labels to yourself and others.

This label tends to be based on one negative detail. It is often a form of overgeneralization.

Related article: Overgeneralization

When you assign these negative labels to yourself, it can increase feelings of depression and decrease self-esteem. When these labels are applied to others, it can leave you frustrated with them.

How to recognize labeling and mislabeling

Labeling doesn’t have certain words that it always uses. There is a way I have been able to recognize it, though. If your thought could be reworded without changing the meaning to say, “I did ‘x’, therefore I am ‘y’,” then you are using labeling and mislabeling.

If applied to others, it would be, “They did ‘x’, therefore they are ‘y’.”

Here are some examples:

I lost that game, so I am a loser.
Because I forgot to call her, I am a terrible son.
He cried about that movie because he’s a crybaby.
I lost my keys. I must be so irresponsible!

Ways to overcome labeling and mislabeling

This thinking error can be a challenge to overcome, but it is worth the effort. Try the tips below if you’re stuck on ways to challenge these thoughts.

So what?

When you have the thought rearranged as “I did ‘x’, therefore I am ‘y'” , break it down. “I forgot to call.” So what? Does that really say anything about your character?

Most likely, the things you are thinking you are terrible for are not as big of a deal as you think they are.

Conversely, consider this the next time you are thinking this way about someone else. Are they being labeled too harshly?

Self-esteem

When you are applying this thinking error to yourself regularly, you are probably doing so because you struggle with your self-esteem.

Try to find ways to boost your self-esteem so that you still feel okay about yourself when things go wrong. Give yourself reasons to celebrate by finding things you can succeed at.

And remember, it is okay to fail sometimes.

I hope you enjoyed the 9th installment of my series on thinking errors! I can’t wait to get the final one up for you later this week and show you what else I have in store. As always, please comment or share a link on social media if you liked this post. If you want to contact me, you can find my info here.

Until next time,

Danna

Don't forget to subscribe to our email list for weekly updates from Musings by Danna, plus 17 free journal prompts for mental health!

Overgeneralization: The Thinking Errors Series Part 8

Wow, it’s already part eight of The Thinking Errors Series! Today, I will be discussing overgeneralization. In case you’re new to the series, here is a link to the first part of the series, on all-or-nothing thinking, where thinking errors are defined.

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Overgeneralization

When overgeneralizing, people tend to be very broad with their statements. They generalize one negative experiences to all experiences.

Essentially, one piece or a few pieces of negative information are taken to mean everything is negative.

This can increase feelings of depression and anxiety.

How to recognize overgeneralization

Overgeneralization is fairly easy to spot. The harder part is to admit to yourself that you’re doing it, and then try to change it.

Overgeneralization involves words such as “never” and “always”. It can also include “everything” or “nothing”.

Some examples include:

I never meet my goals.
Because I didn’t write as much as I wanted to last month, I will never be able to.
I always say the wrong thing during work meetings.
I always fail my quizzes.

Ways to overcome overgeneralization

Just because overgeneralization is one of the easier thinking errors to recognize, that doesn’t mean it’s always simple to challenge these thoughts. However, if you keep working at it, it will get easier.

Circle the word

I wrote about this one in my post on should statements, which you can find here.

This skill involves journaling. You will journal out your thoughts when you catch yourself using overgeneralization. Then, go back and circle the places you used “always” or “never”.

Once you’ve recognized all the ways you are using overgeneralization, you can challenge these thoughts.

Write down a healthier thought to replace each of your negative thoughts.

Examine the facts

You can also take a moment to review if your negative thought is actually 100% accurate.

Have you really always said the wrong thing in work meetings? Was there ever a time where you said something useful? Even if there was a single time where you have said something that was acceptable, that disproves your negative thought.

Practice self compassion

In other words, be kinder to yourself. Your value is not tied to your level of success.

One mistake doesn’t mean a lifetime of mistakes.

Just because something has been bad in the past doesn’t mean it always will be. Trust that things can get better.

I hope you enjoyed part eight of The Thinking Errors series. Please let me know in the comments down below or share this link on social media. You can also contact me here.

Until next time,

Danna

Don't forget to subscribe to our email list for weekly updates from Musings by Danna, plus 17 free journal prompts for mental health!

Magnification and Minimization: The Thinking Errors Series Part 7

I can’t believe we are already on part seven of The Thinking Errors Series! Today, I will be discussing magnification and minimization. If you’re new to the series, check out part one on all-or-nothing thinking here to learn more about thinking errors.

Magnification and minimization

With magnification, you are overly concerned with an insignificant event. You are viewing it as more important than it actually is.

In the case of minimization, just the opposite is true. You are placing too little value on something positive that actually matters.

People may magnify small mistakes. They may also minimize positive traits they have.

Minimization can make you feel insignificant because you are saying your good traits are unimportant. Magnification can lead to feeling out of control because you feel that the world is crashing down around you.

How to recognize magnification and minimization

Minimization often contains the keywords “only” or “just”. These thoughts may also contain phrases such as “no big deal”.

Magnification doesn’t really have keywords, but it can be recognized by the fact that the event causing the thought was not a big event.

Here are some examples:

That quiz was only worth 20% of my grade, so failing it isn’t a big deal.
Just because he hung out with me after work, that doesn’t suggest he might want to be friends.
I lost my necklace and now everything is terrible.
I didn’t finish my homework last night so now I am going to fail the class and never get into graduate school.

Ways to overcome magnification and minimization

If you want to develop healthier thoughts, it’s important to learn how to cope with and challenge unhealthy thoughts, such as magnification and minimization.

Ask yourself, “And then what would happen?”

This is a great strategy for magfication. When you catch yourself thinking this way, ask yourself what would happen next.

It may be a bit distressing in the beginning, because if something bad were to happen, things may not be okay immediately. But then what would happen next?

The important thing to get out of this exercise is that things turn out okay eventually.

Compliments

For minimization, it’s very important to learn to take a compliment.

If you want to read more about that, you can find more information in my post on disqualifying the positive under the section titled “Ways to overcome disqualifying the positive”. Find it here.

Make a list

Make a list of your positive traits. Try to think of at least ten nonphysical qualities.

Remember these when you feel like minimizing your positive qualities.

You can also use this when you catch yourself magnifying a situation by reminding yourself that you have positive qualities to help you get through the situation.

I hope you enjoyed the seventh installment of The Thinking Errors Series. As always, please comment down below or share a link to social media if you did. You can also contact me here.

Until next time,

Danna

Don't forget to subscribe to our email list for weekly updates from Musings by Danna, plus 17 free journal prompts for mental health!

Jumping to Conclusions: The Thinking Errors Series Part 6

Today, I will be writing about jumping to conclusions for part six of my series on thinking errors. If you are new to the series and unfamiliar with thinking errors, please check out the first post in this series on all-or-nothing thinking here.

Jumping to conclusions

Jumping to conclusions can be broken down into two main thinking errors: mind reading and fortune telling.

Overall, jumping to conclusions means that you are drawing negative conclusions about something without evidence to support your conclusion.

In mind reading, you assume that someone has a negative belief about you. You don’t investigate to see if this is the case, but just believe it to be true.

In fortune telling, you believe the future is destined to be bad. Even though you cannot prove it, you accept this imagined future as a fact.

How to recognize jumping to conclusions

You can recognize jumping to conclusions because you are assuming something about the future or someone else’s thoughts that you could not possibly know for sure.

Here are some examples:

My friends secretly hate me.
I am going to fail my test.
My boyfriend thinks I am a downer.
I am not going to finish my work assignment on time.

Ways to overcome jumping to conclusions

Jumping to conclusions can be a challenge to overcome. You want to hold onto your beliefs because overcoming them can be temporarily difficult or painful, even if it is for the best long term. Here are some ways you can overcome jumping to conclusions.

Thought stopping

Thought stopping is the practice of saying “no” to your negative thoughts. You may have to do this a lot in order to get the thought to stop coming back up in the beginning.

It’s okay to tell yourself that you don’t know the answer for sure yet, so you don’t need to let your thoughts take over and pretend they do.

Remember past experiences

Remember times before where things worked out differently than you thought they would.

This will show you that things may turn out differently than what you are expecting.

For example, maybe in the past, you were worried you would fail a test, but you ended up doing alright on it. This is evidence that things can work out differently than how you expect.

What is the benefit?

You really can’t tell what will happen in the future, so while your negative thought could turn out to be true, what good does it do you to dwell in that negative space until you know?

The best use of your time and thoughts is not to spend time worrying over how things will turn out or whether people like you. Your time is better spent trying to do and be the best you can.

I hope you enjoyed part six of The Thinking Errors Series. As always, please let me know in the comments down below, or you can find my contact info here.

Until next time,

Danna

Don't forget to subscribe to our email list for weekly updates from Musings by Danna, plus 17 free journal prompts for mental health!

Should Statements: The Thinking Errors Series Part 5

Today is the fifth installment of The Thinking Errors Series. I will be discussing should statements. If you are new to this series and/or unfamiliar with thinking errors, please check out this post, about all-or-nothing thinking, where I cover what thinking errors are.

Should statements

Should statements are pretty much exactly what they sound like. They are statements using the word “should” or other similar words that make you feel guilty.

Should statements have a tendency to cloud our vision of ourselves and the world because we are trying to get things to be a certain way, rather than just accepting them for what they are.

They can make us feel like failures and make us view others with frustration when they aren’t doing things the way we think they “should.”

How to recognize should statements

Should statements are fairly easy to recognize because they contain certain words such as “should”, “must”, or “ought”.

The following are some examples:

I should have worked harder on that assignment.
I shouldn’t have failed that test.
He ought not be acting that way.
I must exercise daily.

Ways to overcome should statements

Overcoming should statements can be a challenge, but it’s important for your mental health to do your best to work through these thoughts.

Radical acceptance

Radical acceptance is the concept of accepting things exactly as they are without trying to change them. It means that you stop trying to challenge reality and accept it.

This can help with should statements because instead of thinking of how things should be, you are accepting them for what they are.

I will write future posts about radical acceptance.

Journaling

Journal out your thoughts. Every time you use words like “should”, “shouldn’t”, “must”, or “ought”, circle them. This will allow you to start recognizing your should statements.

Once you have recognized them, you can decide if they are distressing you in some way. Maybe they are making you feel angry or guilty.

If so, then it’s time to challenge that thought and replace it with a healthier one. Write those healthier thoughts down too.

Ask yourself “Why?”

This technique works especially well for when you are applying a should statement to yourself, such as the example above stating, “I must exercise daily.”

Why do you have this rule for yourself? Does it benefit you to be so strict about it that you feel guilty? Does everyone else apply the same rule to themselves? If you know someone who doesn’t, does that say something bad about them?

If it doesn’t, then it probably means there’s nothing wrong with you for not following your rule perfectly, so you can let go of your should statement.

I hope you enjoyed part five of The Thinking Errors Series. As always, please let me know in the comment down below or find my contact info here.

Until next time,

Danna

Don't forget to subscribe to our email list for weekly updates from Musings by Danna, plus 17 free journal prompts for mental health!

Emotional Reasoning: The Thinking Errors Series Part 4

Today, I will be talking to you about the thinking error of emotional reasoning. Never heard of a thinking error? Check back to this post, about another thinking error called all-or-nothing thinking, to learn more about thinking errors.

Emotional reasoning

In emotional reasoning, people assume that the way they feel reflects the way things really are. They assume this without stopping to observe the facts.

In other words, emotional reasoning leads people to believe that what they are thinking is true because they feel it to be true.

This allows people to believe their negative thoughts are confirmed to be true simply because their feelings match that thought.

How to recognize emotional reasoning

Recognizing emotional reasoning can be harder because it doesn’t tend to have the same tell-tale words that many thinking errors do. For example, the word “so” may also be used in a perfectly logical statement, therefore that word alone does not indicate this thinking error.

The way I have been taught to recognize it is if your thought could be rewritten as, “I feel x so y must be true,” then you are using emotional reasoning.

Here are some examples:

I feel sad, therefore I must be weak.
I feel so embarrassed, so I must be stupid.
Because I feel angry, I’m right.
Since I feel upset, I must be pathetic.

Ways to overcome emotional reasoning

Once you learn to recognize emotional reasoning, you can overcome it. This will allow you to think more balanced thoughts.

Emotions vs. facts

It’s important to distinguish between emotions and facts. What is the physical proof that what you are feeling to be true is actually true? Could it be false?

Consider the statement, “Because I feel angry, I’m right.” Is being angry indisputable evidence that you are correct in the situation? It is not.

Maybe you are right, but you’ll have to look at the facts of the situation to figure it out.

Allow the feeling to pass

Practice mindfulness techniques, if you know any. It’s okay that you are feeling the way that you do. If you can’t bring yourself to prove it wrong at the time, just sit with it.

Don’t try to either hold onto it or push it away. It will eventually pass because feelings change over time.

You can also use techniques such as meditation if this thought is causing you great distress or anxiety.

A few final thoughts

Your feelings are not facts, nor do your feelings have anything to do with your value as a person.

Your feelings do not prove you are right in the current situation, nor do they prove that what you are worried about is going to happen.

Remembering these things can help you work through emotional reasoning.

I hope you enjoyed the fourth installment of The Thinking Errors Series. As always, let me know if you did in the comments below. You can find my contact info here.

Until next time,

Danna

Don't forget to subscribe to our email list for weekly updates from Musings by Danna, plus 17 free journal prompts for mental health!

Disqualifying the Positive: The Thinking Errors Series Part 3

Today, it’s time for the third part of The Thinking Errors Series. Wondering what a thinking error is? Check out part one, on all-or-nothing thinking, here. Today’s error is disqualifying the positive.

Disqualifying the positive

When people are disqualifying the positive, they are deciding that the positive parts of their experience don’t count for one reason or another, while the negative parts of the experience do count.

But why might people do this?

Your brain’s job is to protect you and part of the way it does that is by convincing you that you are correct. Unlearning a deeply held belief can be hard. In the short term, it’s more painful to unlearn this belief than it is to simply keep believing it, even if that belief is harmful to you.

This means that people such as yourself may be holding onto beliefs that don’t match up with your lived reality.

How to recognize disqualifying the positive

Are you trying to explain away something positive that happened, and justifying that with something negative that happened? Are you saying “Yes, but…”

Here are some examples:

Barry said he likes my painting, but Denise said it’s not her thing, so it must be a terrible painting.
The progress I have made toward my business income goal doesn’t count because I fell $1500 short of my sales goal this year.
I just got lucky and that’s the only reason I passed that test.
I only got the job because the person they wanted to hire accepted another offer.

Ways to overcome disqualifying the positive

The most important thing about learning about cognitive distortions is to learn how to challenge them.

Learn to take a compliment

It’s definitely a skill to be able to take a compliment in stride, but think about how awkward it feels on the other end when you give a compliment and the other person says it’s not true.

Practice saying, “Thank you.” when you receive a compliment, not, “Thank you, but…” Just, “Thank you.”

It feels strange at first to just accept a compliment without trying to deny it, but over time, it will become more natural.

Remember the positives

Instead of only remembering the negatives in the situation, try to bring your attention to the positives. Like in example one above, Barry still liked your painting, even if Denise didn’t.

It’s okay to recognize that there are positives while still acknowledging the negatives.

Remove “Yes, but…” from your vocabulary

No, seriously. Do your best to remove this phrase from your vocabulary. If you even catch yourself thinking this way, evaluate if you are disqualifying the positive.

If you catch this kind of thinking, tell yourself that the positive part of your experience is still valid. It still counts, even if the negative part happened too.

I hope you enjoyed the third installment of The Thinking Errors Series. As always, please leave a comment down below or share a link social media if you did. You can also contact me here.

Until next time,

Danna

Don't forget to subscribe to our email list for weekly updates from Musings by Danna, plus 17 free journal prompts for mental health!